Our Love Languages

We've all heard about the 5 love languages, right? It's a book based on the principle that we all give and receive love differently, and what one person needs is not the same as the next. I admittedly have not read the book, so I won't speak too in depth about it, but Parker and I have talked a lot about our love languages throughout our marriage.

The five love languages are: acts of service, physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, and gifts. 

Parker is an affectionate guy, and we both knew pretty quickly into the conversation that his love language was physical touch. He loves to cuddle on the couch or hold my hand or give me a hug, so physical touch seemed like the obvious choice for him. It wasn't until about a year or so ago that I had an epiphany and realized physical touch wasn't Parker's primary love language. Sure, the guy loves to be close, but the love language he most gives is words of affirmation. He's constantly complimenting me, and he loves it when I stop and tell him that he looks handsome or that he's funny or that he did a good job.

Unfortunately, words of affirmation is not my love language, so I have to consciously make sure I am giving that to Parker. It's always nice to hear nice things, but I care much more about the time someone gives to someone else. Parker and I realized early on in our relationship that my love language was quality time. I think someone taking time out of their day to spend it with you is the ultimate compliment and what builds relationships.

Ironically, a few months ago, we realized my love language is not quality time, but it's actually acts of service. I do love quality time, but what I really love is when Parker does something nice for me. Clean the kitchen, take our son so I can go relax for a few minutes, etc... that's what keeps me the happiest! It's also the love language I like to give.

I feel like the love languages talk is one that should be brought up again and again in marriages. I mean, in our mere 7 year marriage, we have both already switched love languages. Our love languages aren't the same, which makes it fun but it also means we both have to make an effort to give the other what they need. I don't care as much about compliments, but he does. He doesn't care as much about someone making him lunch or doing the dishes, but I do.

Marriage is the ultimate adventure, and I am a firm believer that knowing your partner's love language and knowing your own proves invaluable over the course of time.

So tell me, what is your love language?

If I Could Go Back And Tell Myself One Thing On My Wedding Day...

This month marks five years since Parker and I said "I do". Five! Seriously, how is that possible? We are still scratching our heads on how the time passed so quickly, but low and behold, here we are almost five years later. 

With our anniversary coming up next weekend, I've been a huge sap lately reflecting on the journey and all of the life that has happened in five years. In some ways, the years look exactly how I expected, and in others, absolutely nothing like I expected. I suppose that's life for ya!

Looking back at our marriage, I can honestly say I have no regrets. Of course, there are fights I picked for no good reason and words that should have been prayed about before they were said, but that's all part of the journey. And I don't regret the journey. Marriage is messy, but it's a beautiful mess. 

If I could go back and give that bright-eyed 22 year old getting ready in the bridal salon one piece of advice, it would be simple: enjoy the ride.

There have been moments where I wanted to hurry time up (babies) and moments where I wanted to freeze frame time (gearing up for deployment). Wishing time away or begging time to stay hasn't worked for me yet, and learning to just appreciate each stage for what it is has been one of my biggest takeaways over the last five years. Each stage has been a blessing in some form or fashion!

So that's it. Simple stuff, really. To the bright-eyed bride-to-be or to the brand new wife, enjoy the ride. Marriage is, without a doubt, the most beautiful ride!

Our Family Roles, Corporate America Style

Almost 5 years into this thing called "married life", I can best compare our marriage to that of a well oiled machine. Of course, it didn't happen overnight. That first year of marriage, we were running around like chickens with our heads cut off trying to play adults. Now that we are a little more seasoned, we have figured out the nuts and bolts of life together and learned how to live as a cohesive unit. 

Defining our roles within our marriage was a big part of learning how to be a team. We needed to figure out what we expected from each other if we were going to have any shot at being successful. Thankfully, we are now both very well adjusted to our roles and know who is responsible for what at all times. It's basically like corporate America a la Phelps. Take a look...

Meet Parker, the CEO of Phelps Incorporated.

Parker is the face of the company. He signs off on all contracts and has the ultimate say in big decisions. He is the bread winner and works long, unpredictable hours. At company events, Parker is the center of the event and works the room like a pro. He makes the company look good and looks good doing it.  He has a big job, so he doesn't have much to do with the day to day operations. 

He loves to give back to the community. Here's the CEO now, joyfully donating to a children's charity.

Meet Chelsea, the COO of Phelps Incorporated.

It's Chelsea's job to make the CEO look good. She is in charge of day to day operations and keeping you know what from hitting the fan on a daily basis. The COO coordinates the CEO's schedule and knows what they are doing and where at all times. Thank goodness too, because the CEO doesn't do a lick of planning. The CEO may sign off on all major decisions, but the COO presents all of the options and explains the ramifications of each. 

She also moonlights as a Disney character/short order cook. Just kidding, but the short order cook part is true. Guacamole? Coming right up.

The CEO and COO keep things very professional out in public.

But behind closed doors, they are comfortable being themselves. They spend a lot of time together, after all.

The CEO and COO are able to handle most responsibilities on their own, but Phelps Incorporated wouldn't be complete without its third and final member.

Meet Jenny, the company mascot of Phelps Incorporated.

In terms of daily operations, the third and final member of Phelps Incorporated is utterly worthless. However, what she lacks in productivity, she makes up for tenfold in charisma. She keeps the company grounded and reminds the leaders of the group not to take things too seriously. She is patient, kind, and treats every day like it's the start of a three day weekend. 

Knowing our roles is part of what makes us successful. The CEO, COO, and company mascot all keep Phelps Incorporated up and running. Just like corporate America, it really is a team effort!

4 Years

Today, Parker and I celebrate 4 years since we did this...

It's hard to believe it's been 4 years since that magical day. It seems like so much life has happened since those two doe-eyed 22 year olds said "I do". This past year has easily been the most challenging yet rewarding year of marriage so far. This was the year that changed our lives forever when we found out we were pregnant with our first baby. Obviously losing Taylor Grace rocked our world, and it introduced a new dynamic into our relationship that we had never encountered before: grief. We had no idea what we were in for, and before this journey with Taylor, we really had no idea how the other handled grief. We quickly had to learn, and realizing that we were going to grieve differently was not something that happened overnight. 

Looking back on this past year, I am so proud of us. I wouldn't change anything we did, and I think we felt God working in our marriage and in our lives more this year than we ever had before. I think we handled all of this in the best way we knew how, and now more than ever, I feel like we can take anything life throws our way.

Of course, there were so many happy times too! This year, we bought a house, fell in love with our Darla girl, continued to obsess over that Jen pup we love so much, spent a weekend in Annapolis, found out we were pregnant, and found out Parker would be flying that C-2 plane that he's so obsessed with. 

Year 4 was so filled with blessings, and I can't wait to see what year 5 has in store. 4 years down, forever to go. "And I thought I loved you then..."

Be Prepared: You're Going To Grieve Differently

A miscarriage is a heartbreaking, gut-wrenching thing to have to go through. Whether you were 6 weeks along or 6 months, losing a child will change your life. Most people tell you once you get past month 3 of pregnancy, you are "out of the woods". If you were going to miscarry, you probably would have already done so. They tell us this because, statistically speaking, it's the truth, but it's not a promise. I never would have imagined that Taylor Grace's heart would stop beating in month 5 of pregnancy. 
Parker and I were in a fairly unique situation. Most of the time when you miscarry, you don't know it's going to happen. You either wake up one terrible morning with blood everywhere, or you hold your breath at the doctor's office while they try to find your baby's heartbeat to no avail. The medical term for a miscarriage is "spontaneous abortion", the key word being "spontaneous". What made our situation so unique is the fact that we were told we were going to lose our child. We knew we would miscarry weeks before we did, and there was nothing we could do but pray and sit around waiting for it to happen. 
I spoke with several mommies of angel babies in those weeks leading up to my miscarriage. I sought out any advice I could get from those who had gone through this painful journey before me. This was foreign territory, and I wanted to begin to prepare my heart and mind. There was one thing that each angel mommy told me. "Be prepared. You're going to grieve differently". They were talking about Parker and me. They always say a woman becomes a mother the day her baby is formed in her womb. A man becomes a father the day his baby is born. Obviously this is a generalization, but a lot of men, Parker included, will tell you this is true. Taylor Grace was in my body. I felt my body change and saw my belly grow. Parker was over the moon to be a dad, but the concept was still fairly abstract to him because he didn't get to hold her or see her or touch her. His body didn't change. He didn't feel something growing inside of him. I did. 
Parker and I spoke many times while Taylor Grace was still with us about how we expected to grieve and promised to be as patient and understanding with each other as possible, but nothing can prepare you for the day that grieving starts. No amount of planning or knowledge will ever prepare you to lose your child. Everyone who warned us that the grieving process would be different was absolutely right to do so. It has been different. He lost a child too, so I don't want to belittle anything he has gone through, but we will both openly admit that this has been harder on me. There have been moments of weakness where I have been so upset with him for not being more emotional. "Why wasn't he reacting like I did? Taylor was his daughter too!" These are the thoughts I let into my mind, and those thoughts are not fair to him. He loves Taylor just as much as I do, and he does grieve her loss, but he has also been a source of strength when it gets too hard for me and all I know to do is cry. He has been there for me through every tear to hold me and remind me that she's in a better place. He loves his daughter so much, but he also loves his wife, and seeing me go through this has probably been the hardest part for him. He has loved me through this, and it's my job to love him through it too, even if we choose to grieve differently. We just have to love each other through it. 
I have never been one to broadcast disagreements on the blog or talk about struggles in my marriage. I don't sugarcoat, but I also leave some things between my husband and me. Today, my intent with sharing this struggle is to hopefully let this be a resource for couples who have to go through the same thing. What everyone says is true. You're going to grieve differently, but that's okay. You are different people. You don't have to agree, but you do have to promise to love each other through this. Trials in this life can bring us together or tear us apart. Let it bring you together.