Let This Be The Generation

There are about a million things that are so fantastically wonderful about babies, but one of my favorites is the way they see the world. They aren't born knowing hate or war or stereotypes. They are a blank canvas for acceptance and love.

The other day, Preston and I were reading one of his favorite books. He has about 50 books, but of course the free one called "I Love My Family" that he got from the pediatrician is his favorite. Riddle me that. Anyway, we were reading it for the fourth time that day, and all of a sudden he pointed to the man on the cover and said "dada!".

He proceeded to say it 3 more times while pointing right at the man, "dada! dada! dada!". The man on the cover is black. Preston's dad is obviously white, but he didn't see a difference. To him, that man looked like daddy. And that's when it hit me. Racism isn't innate. Babies aren't born seeing a difference in skin color. Those differences are taught, which means with this new generation, we have the power to emphasize that they're right. That there isn't, in fact, a difference at all.

We've all heard the term "experiencing the world through a child's eyes", and that's been one of the coolest parts of motherhood. I have fallen in love with the simple things and learned how to stop and smell the roses again thanks to my wobbling toddler. And thanks to little moments like my child exclaiming "dada" at this book, I have also been reminded how easy it should be to love and accept others. Babies aren't born seeing the differences. Let this be the generation that never sees a difference.

Christ Like Love Through My Child's Eyes

Being a mom has taught me so many things. I've learned that one can function on 4 hours of sleep while still managing to keep an infant alive. I've learned privacy in the bathroom is a gift, not a right. I've learned that most tasks can be accomplished with one hand while holding your child with the other if you want them done badly enough. 

In all seriousness, motherhood has taught me more than I could have ever imagined. Most importantly, it's given me a glimpse into how much the Heavenly Father must love us. 

When Preston was about 8 months old, I laid him down on the bed. He was wiggling at this point but not yet crawling. I turned my back for 5 seconds to check the computer behind me, and the next thing I heard was a loud thud on the floor. Thud, and then instant screaming from my sweet, pudgy baby. 

I scooped him up and rushed him to the rocking chair so I could hold him. He was screaming, but I didn't see anything to immediately be concerned about, so I just held him. In that moment, I probably apologized 100 times. "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, Mommy is so sorry, I love you so much" came out of my mouth over and over and over. He finally calmed down, and he just clung to me while time stood still. He took in deep breaths as he caught his breath from all of the crying, but he wouldn't stop clinging to me and hugging me. 

It was my job to watch Preston and completely my fault that he fell off the bed. I blamed myself, but my child forgave me instantly. He loved on me and clung to me to show me that he loved me, that he still wanted me and needed me. His love had always been, and remained, unconditional, just as Christ's love for us remains. 

In an instant, I turned my back and he fell off the bed. I think this sort of thing happens all the time, but letting my child fall off the bed on my watch was probably the guiltiest I have ever felt. I remember the feeling like it was yesterday, but my baby never held it against me. He forgave me immediately and loved me through it. This is what Christ does for us. 

Babies forgive completely and love unconditionally. The way my son loves me is the most unconditional love I have ever felt. He literally thinks I hung the moon. And yet, that love is still only a fraction compared to how deeply our Father loves us. 

Today, I hope you are reminded that you are so deeply loved and treasured by your Creator, and He loves you so much more than anything we could ever comprehend. 

The World We Live In

I took a couple of weeks off from blogging again, but this little blogging break felt different. We have had friends and family cycling through and staying with us for the last 3 weeks, so I have been enjoying life and trying to spend as much time with each of them as possible. But, I also couldn't seem to put words on a page with all that is going on in this world. 

This latest shooting in Las Vegas is something I just can't wrap my head around. How can someone be so cruel to take 59 innocent lives and ruin hundreds more? How can such evil exist? This is not the first mass shooting this country has seen over the last few years, but this one has hit me harder now that I am a mom. This world seems to be getting worse, and as much as I want to, I can't protect my baby from all the evil that exists in today's world. 

I look at my sweet, perfect baby and wish more than anything I could make this world perfect for him. He's still so innocent. He doesn't know hate. He doesn't know violence. He doesn't know pain and suffering. He only knows his own happy, love-filled world, and I wish there was something I could do to keep it that way forever. 

Another thing I've been meditating on lately is just how much trust we have in the complete strangers around us. I trust that the person at the stoplight beside me isn't going to pull a gun and shoot me because I have no option but to trust them. I trust the person in line behind me at the supermarket not to pull a knife and stab me because I have no option but to trust them. How awful is that? I went to church this past Sunday, and I didn't feel completely safe. Parker and I had a rare-but-amazing date night this past weekend at the movies, and I didn't feel completely safe in the theater. It's depressing, but it's the truth. 

So where do we go from here? Where is the hope in a world that seems so grim? The only answer I can come up with is Jesus. He is close to the brokenhearted, and He is the only one that can redeem this broken world we live in. I am praying for all affected by the Las Vegas shooting. God is bigger! Jesus, be near!

Hug your loved ones and be kind today. Tomorrow is never guaranteed.

August 11th

Today is August 11th, and it's just one of those days where I have happy memories and think "God is cool". Two of my very favorite days just happened to occur on August 11th, so I'll always look at the calendar and smile when this day rolls around. 

August 11, 2014 is the day we found out we were pregnant with Taylor Grace. It's a day that forever changed my life and the day our parenting journey officially started! It started out as a normal Monday and ended with Parker and I staring at a positive pregnancy test in disbelief. We were pregnant... whatttt?! We were thrilled, scared out of our minds, and everything in between that day. I didn't even plan to take a pregnancy test that morning, but Parker was painting furniture in the house, and we were worried about the paint fumes if I happened to be pregnant. To ease our concerns, I took a test just to be safe. And then it was positive. And then our lives changed forever. A very happy day indeed!

Fast forward 2 years on August 11, 2016, and I am about 12 weeks pregnant with our second little miracle. Since I was considered high risk from my pregnancy with Taylor Grace, I had the genetic testing done a week prior to make sure this baby was healthy. We would also get to find out the gender from this test, but more than anything, we just wanted a healthy baby. They told me the genetic counselor would call with the results sometime in the next 10 days, and what do you know, my phone rang on August 11th. I cannot tell you how anxious I was, but being told "everything looks great- you're baby is perfectly healthy" will forever be one of the sweetest things I've ever heard. I wanted to find out the gender with Parker, who was deployed at the time, so I handed the phone to my twin sister so she could write down the gender for me. She did, and I was able to Facetime Parker just minutes after. I held up the piece of paper, and we both saw we were having a BOY! Oh my goodness, so many tears of joy followed. August 11, 2016 will forever be one of my favorite days.

 

Going from the heartbreak of losing our first baby, a journey that started on August 11th, to finding out our second baby was a perfectly healthy baby boy exactly two years later is just cool. God is just cool like that, and it feels like everything has come full circle. I am spending August 11, 2017 snuggling and caring for my 5 month old baby, and the miracle of that very fact is not lost on me. 

 

God Is Redemptive

Lately in our house, the talk has been all about our son. Specifically, when he will come, how he will enter this world, what that day will look like, etc. We found out last week that our perfectly healthy little guy is not so little. At just 34 weeks, he is already 6 lb 8 oz and in the 92nd percentile! His head and abdomen are both measuring 3 full weeks ahead too! We aren't really expecting to make it to my due date, and if by chance I do, he will likely be so big that a c-section will be our only option. As long as he arrives safely and healthy, I am happy with whatever the doctors decide. God has a plan, and we are confident he will deliver our big guy safely. 

Like I said, we talk a lot about how big he is. We are very proud of this fact! We've been on the other end of the spectrum, and it's heartbreaking. I remember like it was yesterday going in for an ultrasound at 16 weeks with Taylor Grace and being told how small she is. Her head was in the 20th percentile, her abdomen was in the 5th percentile, and her femur was in the 3rd percentile. She was measuring a full 2 weeks behind and so, so small. We loved her so much, but all I wanted in those weeks was for her to grow and to miraculously be healed. If you've been around this blog, you know that she didn't grow and wasn't healed on earth but instead in Heaven. 

I laid in bed the other day thinking about just how redemptive our God is. Our journey to become parents began in 2014 with our precious, tiny daughter. Almost 3 years later, we are getting ready to meet our big, healthy son. God took the grief we had with Taylor and used it to show us how truly blessed we are to be having such a big baby. 

Technically, our son is considered a "rainbow baby": a baby born after miscarriage or infant loss. You won't really hear me using this term because there is a part of it that just doesn't sit right with me. A rainbow baby is the hope and joy that follows a storm. While our son is that hope and joy, I can't really bring myself to think of our journey with Taylor as a storm because I am so, so thankful she was created. I loved her so much and am still so grateful God let me be her mom. What I see when I look at our journey to parenthood- from losing Taylor in 2014 to preparing to meet our son in 2017- is God's faithfulness. He redeemed what was broken and turned our mourning into dancing. Today, I am simply thankful. I'm thankful for the journey. I'm so thankful for both of my children. I'm thankful for a God who is redemptive. 

He Is Faithful

This post has been on my heart for a few weeks, and I am finally sitting down to write it. If you've been around this blog for much time, you know that the baby we are expecting in February is our second, and a baby girl in Heaven was our first. When we found out we were expecting again, a whole slew of emotions came rushing in. I was overjoyed, terrified, and everything in between. I know the immense joy that comes with expecting a child, but I also know the immense pain that comes with losing one. Would the same thing happen again?

August 11th is a day I will always remember- it changed my life. August 11, 2014 is the day we found out we were pregnant with Taylor Grace, and this unimaginably hard yet rewarding journey of becoming parents started. 

Fast forward two years and I am 11 weeks pregnant with baby #2. I get a call from our genetic counselor with the results of our NIPT testing (early screening for chromosomal abnormalities). I just kept thinking "please please please let this baby be healthy". The screening was perfect and came back negative for any chromosomal abnormalities! It also revealed that this baby is a boy! I remember looking down at my planner an hour or so after finding out the news and stopping still. 

The date was August 11th. 

In that moment, everything felt so full circle. Tears came into my eyes, and I just couldn't believe how cool our God is. He has had a plan from the beginning, and although we couldn't always see it before, He has been faithful. He never left us, never stopping loving us, and is fulfilling our dreams of becoming parents. 

I'll never fully understand why God took our first baby home, and there will forever be a place in my heart that is reserved just for her. But God is faithful. From that little girl in Heaven to this perfect boy growing in my belly, He has held our hands from the beginning.

Today, I am thankful for the journey. I honestly wouldn't change the past 2 years for anything. They have molded me into the person I am today and have brought me the greatest joy I have ever experienced. I love those two babies, and I thank God for the journey. 

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas, friends! Remember that Jesus is the reason for the season! For anyone who has never heard the story of Christ's birth, I wanted to write it here. 

Luke 2:1-21

In those days Ceasar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. And everyone went to their own town to register. 

So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no guest room available for them. 

And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, "Don't be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. This will be a sign to you; You will find the baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."

Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, "Glory to God in the highest heaven, and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests."

When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, "Let's go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about."

So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, lying in the manger. When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. 

But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told. On the eighth day, when it came time to circumcise the child, he was named Jesus, the name the angel had given him before he was conceived. 

What a beautiful day that must have been. I am taking the week off to spend time with my loved ones, and I hope you are all able to do the same. I pray that this Christmas is filled with love and joy for each and every one of you. 

Merry Christmas from my family to yours!

Living Life For Now

Does anyone feel like they are in a waiting season of life? Whether it's waiting to find a spouse, waiting to have a baby, waiting for your spouse to return from deployment or anything else, so many of us are waiting. 

I have felt like I am in a season of waiting. I still want to have a baby and finally feel like I am in a place where I can do so after losing our first child, but the timing just isn't quite right. For several reasons (the military being the main one), we have decided to wait for a little bit. I do feel like this is the best decision for our family and for my husband, but waiting is tough. Part of me just wants to fast forward a couple of years to the season of life that hopefully includes tiny footsteps in the hallway and toys all over the floor. 

The problem is, waiting can consume us. If I put all of my energy into focusing on what I am waiting for, life will pass me by. If I live life just waiting for babies, I'll miss out on the here and now. Waiting takes patience, which my husband will tell you is not my strongest attribute. Many times, waiting also becomes more difficult as we compare ourselves to others who have what we are waiting on. Sometimes it feels like everyone has a baby but me. I know that's not true, and God-willing one day it will be my turn, but comparing my situation to the mamas of tiny humans isn't doing myself any favors. 

I had a moment of clarity the other day. I was chopping vegetables in my kitchen with music playing throughout the house, and Parker was giving Jenny a rib as she anxiously licked her lips. I looked around my beautiful new house and realized just how blessed I am in this very season of life. It's a beautiful season, and I don't want to wish it by waiting for what I don't yet have. These moments are passing quickly, and we can never get them back. 

Today, I want to challenge you to live life for now. We are all waiting on something, and maybe that season you are waiting on will bring you great happiness, but don't forget to find the joy in today. As crazy as it sounds, I miss the period right after I lost our first baby. It was all so raw and so real, and I learned so much about myself and what I am capable of through that journey. That period is over, and wishing it away was a mistake. No more mistakes. Stop waiting, stop wishing, and start living. 

We don't know how many days we get here on this earth, so make today count. Enjoy this season! Live life for now. 

This picture represents the season of life we are in, and I am treasuring each moment.

Life's Too Short

Yesterday, I found out a fellow blogger passed away. Leslie Sisti was the brilliant writer behind A Blonde Ambition, one of my all time favorite blogs. Her writing has always captivated me, and I love reading her positive, witty posts. Leslie had a heart complication that worsened after the birth of her second daughter, and Monday morning, she went home to be with Jesus. She was 30 years old. She had a husband. She had 2 gorgeous daughters under the age of 2 who will grow up without her. She had a beautiful life, and now it's gone. 

I've never met her, but I think when you read what someone plasters on their corner of the interwebs for long enough, you start to feel like you know them. When I read she had passed away, I couldn't help but cry for her husband and the babies who will grow up without a mother. 

And then, all I could think about is a stupid argument Parker and I had on Monday. It was so stupid, I don't even really remember what it was about. I was tired and stressed and lashed out at him for no good reason. I think we've all been there, but I wasted a night we had together. I wasted it being stubborn and grouchy instead of loving and intentional. 

Yall, life is too short for that. 

It's unrealistic for me to think I'm never going to get impatient with my husband again or a family member for no reason. It's inevitable, but I want to be more intentional, more appreciative, of the time I have with those who I love so much. We so often live life like it's going to go on forever, but everything can change so quickly. It's not worth little fights, little arguments, little grudges. It's not worth it at all. 

Today, hug your mom/dad/brother/sister/spouse/babies a little tighter. Practice patience, see the good, and let love in. Life's too short to live any other way. 

Please pray for Leslie's family, especially her husband, Stephen, and the two precious girls, Caroline and Ainsley, that will grow up without their momma. If you feel led, Stephen has set up a donation page to assist with their daughter's future college funds. http://www.gofundme.com/d53bgd5p8s

Due Date

Today's the day. It's crazy how quickly 9 months has flown by. I remember staring at that positive pregnancy test in August and thinking how far off April 21, 2015 seemed. The day arrived quickly, but a lifetime has passed between that joyful day in August and now. 
Today is Taylor Grace Phelps' due date. It was never supposed to look like this. We were supposed to be timing contractions or eating spicy food and walking the ends of the earth just to get labor going. Or maybe we were supposed to be holding a brand new baby because she came early. Whatever was supposed to happen, it wasn't this. 
I've said from the beginning that this is a journey, and I still 100% feel that way. There are easier moments and there are hard moments, and today will probably be filled with a lot of the latter. I miss our daughter being in my belly every day, but this is just another day that we have to keep going and hold onto the truth that she is spending another day of eternity with Jesus. We call it her due date. She calls it Day 150 with her Heavenly Father. 
I've said this many times, but I would never, ever take this journey back. Taking away the pain would mean taking away the joy, and there was so, so much joy. Those 18w5d of carrying her make all of this worth it, no matter how excruciating days like these are. 
He gives and takes away. She was and is the gift that forever changed my life. Sometime's it's hard to see the bigger picture, and on days like today it is especially difficult not to question why we had to go through this, but her short life was divinely planned and divinely purposed. We don't always get what we want in this life, but there are blessings all around us. I got to be a mom, and even on the day of what was supposed to be my daughter's entrance into this world, I am so thankful for that. The joy is worth the pain. 
We love you TGP, and we know you are having a fabulous time celebrating your due date in Heaven!

Dying He Saved Us

Today is Good Friday. For those who may not know, this is the day Christians commemorate Jesus Christ's crucifixion on the cross. The thought of Jesus dying on the cross for millions of people who rejected Him is something I don't think I will ever fully understand until I get to Heaven. I am such a picture of imperfection and I didn't do anything to deserve redemption, but I am humbled and awestruck by His love for me. 
What I love most about today is the reminder that we serve a God who understands our trials. He was tempted. He struggled. He bled. He knew pain while He was on this earth just like we know pain today. 
We do not serve a God that cannot identify with our heartbreak. 
When I think of heartbreak, obviously I go to our journey of losing our daughter. I prayed to God to save her, to spare her, but I also prayed that ultimately His will would be done. His will was not for her to live a full life by human standards, yet His plan for her life was still carried out. During those weeks of knowing something was wrong and praying that Taylor would live another day, then another day after that, I clung to God more than I ever have in my life. I was so dependent on His guidance and strength. I didn't have the strength on my own to get through it. Through that dependence, I also began to praise God. I praised Him for the miracle that she was and for choosing us as her parents. I still thank God for that every day.
In praising God through the darkness and sadness, He allowed me to see the blessings. Yes our story ended in heartache, but there were innumerable blessings along with it. From getting to name her to hear her heartbeat to share our story, we were so blessed with her. The cool thing is, we don't have to wait for the victory to praise God. We can praise Him in the storm. Had we waited for the victory to praise God in our situation, I'm not sure we would have ever started. To society, there was no victory. There was only death and a sad ending. Had we not given our journey to God, I probably would have seen it that way too. Instead, I see so clearly that there was, in fact, victory. The victory was in her short, precious life. The victory is that she is healed in Heaven. We praise Him in the storm because He is good. We praise Him in the storm because He understands what we are going through more than anyone else can. 
Jesus provided us with such a beautiful example of suffering. We have all endured hardships in this life, and sometimes it feels like we are so alone, but that couldn't be farther from the truth. Jesus knew what it meant to hurt on this earth. He knows our pain and our heartbreak, but he died on the cross so many years ago to make sure that suffering wouldn't last forever. Today is about celebrating a gift and about a God who loves us more than we could possibly imagine. 
I hope you all have an amazing Easter weekend. If anyone has any questions about what today and Sunday represent, please email me. I don't claim to be an expert, but I'd love to talk to you or pray for you if you need someone. 

Why Sunday Mornings Are Hard

Sunday is a hard day for me. We lost our daughter on a Sunday. Most people that lose babies don't know the exact day their baby went to Heaven. Because we were checking for little Taylor Grace's heartbeat each night, we do. We heard her heartbeat the evening of Saturday, November 22nd, and we didn't hear her heartbeat on Sunday, November 23rd. We know the day she died, and we know that day was a Sunday. It's more than that though. We know the day that she died, but in my heart, I know the exact moment that God took her home. I realized after talking to my mom last week that I never really shared this with anyone. I told Parker, but that was it. I wasn't intentionally keeping it a secret, but I had just lost my baby and my head and my heart were being pulled in a thousand different directions. Today I am sharing the story of what happened that Sunday morning. 
Sunday, November 23rd, 2014 started out like any other Sunday. We woke up and went to church. I had heard my baby's heartbeat the night before and was grateful for another day with her inside me. That morning in church, we were singing worship music. Worship music is really powerful to me, and it always has been. I don't remember what song was playing, but I had tears in my eyes as I thought of this precious gift in my belly and knew I would probably never meet her on this earth. As tears flowed down my face and worship music played, I looked up. Silently to God with my hand on my belly, I said, "God, thank you for this gift. I give her back to you when you're ready". That night when we tried to listen to her heartbeat, it was gone. God had taken her Home. 
I know there is no way to scientifically know the moment a baby's heart stops beating, but I know in my heart that God took her at that moment. I relive that moment, that short conversation with God, every Sunday morning during worship. I don't think I have made it through the worship portion of church without crying yet, and that may not change for a long time. Sundays are tough because I lost my daughter, but Sunday mornings in church are specifically tough because I know that's when it happened. 
Do I regret telling God He could take her home when He was ready? No. She was always His, and He gave me so many blessings throughout my pregnancy. He allowed us to surprise our friends and family with the news. He allowed us to hear her heartbeat. He allowed us to find out she was a girl, and He gave us time to name her. Our pregnancy, though it ended in heartbreak, was such a complete blessing. He waited for me to be ready to give Taylor back, and although I don't think I could have ever been ready, I was at peace in that moment knowing God was in control. 
Honestly, going through what happened that morning, I don't know how anyone could doubt the existence of God. He was so completely present in every aspect of our pregnancy and our journey, and He is holding my daughter close for me until I get there. 

Not the best quality, not the best location, but this was the last bump picture I ever took. This was a few days before she went to Heaven at 18 weeks.

Remembering Taylor Grace

We knew we wanted to have a memorial service for Taylor Grace, and we decided to do it over the holidays with the family. We prayed it would bring some closure. To be honest, I don't think I will ever have "closure", at least not in the way that I interpret that word. I see closure as closing the chapter and moving on. For me, my chapter in life with Taylor Grace will always be open. It's going to get easier down the road, but there will never be a day that I don't think about our baby in Heaven. I can't ever receive closure in that sense, but what I do feel after the ceremony is an overwhelming sense of peace I didn't know I was missing. This was the final event for her, and it was a celebration of her life in every way we hoped it would be. Parker's uncle, the same uncle that married us, led our daughter's memorial service, and he couldn't have done a better job. It was short and sweet like her life here on earth, but he dove right into the Word and reminded me that she was absolutely intentional, absolutely perfect, and absolutely fearfully and wonderfully made. God didn't make a mistake when he created our Taylor Grace. She was so perfectly formed in His image and in my belly. Taylor means clothed in salvation, and she truly is at the feet of her Father. To conclude the service, Parker and I symbolically released a single white dove. She was always His, and seeing that bird fly home reminded us that Taylor Grace had flown to her forever home too. We are so thankful to our families for being there for us. Her memorial service was so much more perfect than either of us could have imagined. I am so thankful that we had this opportunity to celebrate her life with some of the people who have loved us, loved her, and prayed us all three through this journey. 

I didn't pull my camera out until almost everyone had left, but I wanted to upload the pictures of the family members I did capture. It really was so wonderful to have so many loved ones surrounding us. This is the first time our families have come together since our wedding, and we wish more than anything that it would have been under different circumstances, but it was amazing to have everyone together nonetheless.

We love our little angel baby, and I am so thankful that we got the chance to celebrate her life. 

I Won't Be Pregnant This Christmas

As random as it sounds, I saw Christmas as a pivotal point in our journey to have a baby. I think I've shared this on the blog before, but one of my biggest fears was that Parker and I wouldn't be able to have kids. You never really know until you get to that point, so it was always a concern of mine. We decided to start trying to have a baby in March. I remember thinking "If I'm not pregnant by Christmas, something might be wrong". Obviously everyone is different and some get pregnant by sneezing and others take years to conceive a child. Even knowing this, I knew Christmas would be hard if I looked down at my stomach and didn't see a baby in there. 
Here we are. It's Christmas. I can look down at my belly and clearly see there is no baby in there. It's flat. As I look at my body and see there is no other life inside of me, I don't feel any of the emotions of fear and doubt that I thought a childless Christmas would represent. It's quite different. Instead, I know I am a mom. We were given the gift of a child, just like we had hoped and prayed. Our baby is just spending her first Christmas in Heaven instead of in my tummy. God may have taken her home far sooner than Parker and I ever wanted, but he did make us parents this Christmas. Taylor Grace is going to have one awesome first Christmas in Heaven, and we will have a wonderful Christmas knowing she is safe and happy with Jesus while she waits for us to one day get there. 
I know waking up Christmas morning and not seeing a big, 6 month pregnant belly like I should be seeing will be hard, but I also know that my empty belly doesn't mean we don't have a baby. We do. We got to become parents this year. God is good. He is good all the time. 

I received this ornament from one of my best friend's mother-in-law. Tears flow every time I read it. So beautiful :)

Let Your Light Shine

Today's post is going to be short and sweet, but Parker and I really loved the message from church this past weekend and wanted to share it with you all.
My favorite Christmas decoration each year is the Christmas tree. I love to decorate it and pull out all of the ornaments I had forgotten about from the previous year. I love to put presents under the tree. I love to turn the lights on and see how beautiful it all looks put together. Historically speaking, the Christmas tree originated centuries ago in Germany. Boniface cut down an oak tree that the German pagans worshipped and replaced it with an evergreen tree, telling them how its triangular shape reminds humanity of the Trinity and how it points to Heaven. Here's an analogy: The Christmas tree symbolizes Jesus Christ, green year round even during the darkest winters. We are the lights that adorn the tree. The lights make the tree noticed by shining brightly all around. We are those lights that should be shining brightly for Him. 

This is a picture from last year, but I love how brightly the lights are shining on our tree behind the Jen pup. 

As Christians, it is our job to show people Christ. We all have unique gifts that allow us to shine and glorify God through those gifts. This Christmas, let your light shine. When someone cuts you off on the freeway, wave to them (with your hand, not your finger). Hold the door for strangers when you're leaving the store. Let someone have your seat on the bus. You get the idea. Just be a light.
This Christmas, I feel so blessed. It's almost surprising to me because of what we have gone through in the last month with losing Taylor Grace, but we have been given so many blessings this year, and we are so undeserving. This Christmas and every day, just spread the joy. A simple act of kindness can go a long way. We are here to shine, so go out there and do it. 

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How I Felt God Preparing Me For This Journey

Well, I am a few hours out of surgery and at home recovering, so now seems like just as good of a time as any to write a blog post. Please excuse any grammatical errors. In all seriousness, today was the surgery I needed to have to get Taylor's body out of mine. Parker and I have been dreading it, but we know she has been in Heaven for 9 days now (10 when this post gets published), and this is just something that had to be done.

Today was sort of the final piece of the puzzle to complete before we can learn how to live life while Taylor Grace is in Heaven and begin to heal. I am thankful to be through it on the other side. I look down at my stomach and can see that I am officially not pregnant with her anymore. Yesterday, I had to pick up prescriptions, and the receptionist asked if I was pregnant as she went over the medication instructions. I opened my mouth to say "yes" and then closed it again. I had to say "no", and it was the first time I have said "no" to that question in 5 months. 

Parker and I have both been fairly open about the fact that we feel like we went on this journey for a reason. I really believe God chose the two of us to bring glory to His name through Taylor's story, and we have tried to let Him speak through us as best we can. I've said that we have never, ever felt abandoned by Him throughout this journey. He has felt so present and so near. In the days leading up to learning she might have a chromosomal abnormality, I felt like God was preparing my heart for the journey. 

Worship music just really makes my heart happy, and it was always playing on our way to those heartbreaking doctor's appointments. I received a phone call on a Monday that our daughter had elevated risks for Trisomy 18, 1:10 to be exact. We were scheduled for an ultrasound that Friday to look for the soft markers. It was probably the longest week of our lives, but I continued to play the song "That's What Faith Can Do" by Kutless on repeat. It gave me hope that everything would be okay, if I could just stay faithful. It's an older song, so it doesn't come on the radio as often. On our drive that Friday to our appointment, it was one of the first songs that played. Right after it, "Overcomer" by Mandisa played. At that moment, I knew God was telling me that something was in fact wrong, but He was going to hold my hand every step of the way.

One of the first things I do in the morning is read my Bible verse of the day on my phone. That Friday, the day we found out our baby had every soft marker in the book for a chromosomal abnormality, the verse that came up was Jeremiah 29:11.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope."- Jeremiah 29:11

This has been my favorite verse since I was a little girl. My sister read it at our wedding. It's displayed in multiple places throughout my home. Again, I knew God was telling me Taylor Grace's life would be very different from the one I had hoped for, but His plans for us and for her were perfectly drawn out according to His will.

The days are not easy. I wish more than anything that I was still carrying our baby girl. I wish God would have chosen to use us in a different way, but His plans are perfect and far beyond what we can imagine. I don't regret anything. I am so thankful God handpicked us to be her parents. I am so thankful that I got to carry her for 18.5 weeks. I am so thankful for the promise that I will meet her some day. 

God may have chosen me for a journey that I never thought I would go on, but He also prepared me and has guided me through every single step. I am so thankful to have a Father that loves His children so much. In this world we will have trouble, but take heart, He has overcome the world. 

My last bumpdate shot with sweet baby girl. Two days shy of 19 weeks, God brought her home. So thankful that we documented and have these to look back on!

Our Angel

Parker and I want to thank everyone from the bottom of our hearts for all of the love and prayers we have received. We both agree that our prayer warriors have been a huge part of getting us through each day of this journey, and we can truly feel God's comfort and love. 

 

This all happened so quickly. Three weeks ago, we thought we had a healthy baby and were happily planning for her arrival in April. Today, I am sitting down to tell everyone that our precious baby girl went home to be with Jesus. 

We check her heartbeat every night before we go to sleep. We couldn't find it Sunday evening, and the doctors confirmed Monday that her heart had stopped beating. We were told this was coming, but somehow I was so hopeful that we had more time. Our sweet baby had already beaten the odds by making it to 18.5 weeks, but God decided it was time to bring her home. 

As devastated as we are, we rejoice in knowing that our baby girl is dancing with Jesus in Heaven, completely healed. She never once suffered. We rejoice in knowing we will get to meet her one day. When we get to Heaven, she will be the first person we want to see. 

We found out God had blessed us with a child on August 11, 2014, and we found out God took His child home November 23, 2014. We are so blessed to have gotten to be a part of her short life here on Earth, and I am so thankful God chose us to be the parents of our angel baby. Thank you Lord for the greatest gift we have ever received.

We love you, Taylor Grace, and we can't wait to meet you some day. 

 

One of my best friends sent me these for our Taylor Grace a couple of weeks ago. She probably regrets it now, but she shouldn't. I forever have a sweet reminder of the angel baby waiting for us in Heaven.

My sister sent me this picture yesterday. My parents have a rose bush in their backyard that hasn't bloomed in months. My mom thought it was dead, but yesterday morning, the morning we found out our baby had gone to be with Jesus, a single pink rose bloomed. What a sweet reminder from God that Taylor Grace is beautifully His in Heaven.

 

Taylor Grace

I'm not sure where to begin with a post like this, so I will just start from the beginning. A couple of weeks ago, the doctors became concerned that our little baby was measuring small for her age. They were also concerned because I tested higher than normal for the risk of a chromosomal abnormality called Trisomy 18. We were referred to a high risk doctor so they could get a better look at the baby and take more thorough measurements. We watched our sweet little baby on the ultrasound screen as the doctors took picture after picture and tried to conceal the concern from their faces. As Parker and I grasped onto one another, the doctor held my gaze and told me they were very suspicious of a chromosomal abnormality. They did an amniocentesis to confirm, but the ultrasound showed everything they were looking for in a situation like this. We knew.

We got the call on Monday that our baby has something called triploidy. Instead of having 2 of each chromosome like she should, she has 3 in every little cell of her body. It happened at conception, and there is absolutely nothing Parker nor I could have done to prevent it. It was completely out of our control. The statistics are not pretty. There is a 99% chance I will miscarry her or she will be stillborn. If she is born alive, she will likely die on her birthday. Just like that, our lives were changed forever. The baby we have been praying for, rejoicing over, and dreaming about is the baby we are probably never going to get. 

We are absolutely heartbroken and taking it all day by day. We know the hardest days are still to come. Many couples in our situation feel there is a choice to be made when a baby is labeled "incompatible with life". For us personally, we don't see any choices to be made. God is the author of life and death. He gave our baby life, and He will choose to take her home when He is ready. He could still perform a miracle on her, and who are we to deny Him that opportunity? For now, we are rejoicing in the days we do get to carry her and have her with us here on Earth. We don't know how much more time we will get. Our little fighter has already beaten the odds as 2/3 of babies with triploidy die before 15 weeks, and our baby still has a strong heartbeat at 18 weeks.

We don't know why this is happening to us, but we do know that God doesn't make mistakes. Our baby was created in His image, and to Him, she is absolutely perfect. As much as we wish God would make our baby healthy and use us in a different way, we fully believe He chose us specifically for this journey and that He will somehow be glorified through it all. There hasn't been a day since finding out that tears haven't been shed, but God has His arms wrapped around us, and we know He isn't letting go. We may not get to see our baby alive on this Earth, and we wish more than anything that we could, but we know we will see her someday in Heaven. She will be so perfect, so happy, and completely healed.

 

As you can tell from all of the "shes" and "hers", our little miracle is a girl. Her name is Taylor Grace, and we couldn't love her more. 

The Best Advice I've Ever Received

I thought this would be a fun idea for a blog post, and it also forced me to actually think about the best advice I have ever received. I'm 25, and people love to impart wisdom on the young. I have received a lot of advice through the years. I had an idea of what I wanted to say, but I asked Parker to see if our answers would be similar. They were extremely similar. He said "treat others how you want to be treated". Very similar to what I was going to say. The best advice I have ever received comes from the Bible, and it's very simple:

Love your neighbor as yourself.

So simple, in theory, yet so difficult in execution. Let's call a spade a spade: some people are just plain hard to love. It's hard to love someone when they've wronged me or said hurtful things behind my back. The way I see it though, if Jesus can love me for all of the sins I've committed in my day and will commit in future days, I can love other sinners too. Not only that, but anger and bitterness towards someone can be consuming. It can be intoxicating. I'd so much rather choose to love someone even if it's hard than be absorbed in my hatred.

So that's it. Short and sweet today. I could write a novel on why we should love people, but God already wrote one, and His version is pretty darn perfect. It sounds so trivial, but these 5 words hold so much power: "Love your neighbor as yourself". 

I asked my sponsors this month what the best advice they have ever received is. Go check them out and say hello!

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  What's the best advice you've every received?  

Comparison Is The Thief Of Joy

This blog post has been on my mind the past few days. Lately, I feel like the name of the game is to compare ourselves to others. I don't necessarily see a trend in comparing ourselves to the less fortunate, but more so comparing ourselves to those we deem more fortunate than us. Here's the thing:

Comparison is the thief of joy. 

Terrible example, but let's go with this: I was watching Bachelor in Paradise on Monday (judge away, friends). Three girls went on dates. All three girls thought they had a good time, until two of the girls started going into the details of what happened on their dates. The third girl then felt her date was inadequate, got sad, and broke up with the guy. She compared herself to the other girls and decided she had a bad date. I know, terrible example, but you get it, right?

I think some people look at Parker and me and think we have the perfect life. A few of our friends in college thought we had the perfect relationship and never fought. Some of our friends now think that, and I think it probably looks that way on this blog too. I'm not here to highlight the negatives, but nobody really knows the real story because a marriage is between two people, not the world. Yes, we have a pretty awesome relationship, and he is my greatest blessing in life and I am his, but that doesn't mean we don't fight. That doesn't mean we don't disagree on the stupidest things and blow it out of proportion. That doesn't mean we don't enjoy doing things on our own from time to time. I would really hate for someone to compare their relationship to ours because they have no idea how our relationship works: they aren't in it. 

 

We are all on different timelines in this life. Some of us get married when we are 20. Others get married when they're 35. Some never get married. The same goes with having kids. Instead of wishing we were given someone else's time table in life, we need to find the positives and blessings in the journey God has laid out for us. I know I have envied those who are able to buy a house and settle down, because that's not in the cards for us for a long time. But you know what? We get to see the world. We get to make memories in many different homes. There are positives in our journey just like their are positives for those who get to settle down sooner in life. 

So friends, stop comparing. It brings out an unhappiness that we can eliminate if only we look for the blessings. And yall, there are so so many blessings.