Be Prepared: You're Going To Grieve Differently | Anchors Aweigh

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Be Prepared: You're Going To Grieve Differently

A miscarriage is a heartbreaking, gut-wrenching thing to have to go through. Whether you were 6 weeks along or 6 months, losing a child will change your life. Most people tell you once you get past month 3 of pregnancy, you are "out of the woods". If you were going to miscarry, you probably would have already done so. They tell us this because, statistically speaking, it's the truth, but it's not a promise. I never would have imagined that Taylor Grace's heart would stop beating in month 5 of pregnancy. 

Parker and I were in a fairly unique situation. Most of the time when you miscarry, you don't know it's going to happen. You either wake up one terrible morning with blood everywhere, or you hold your breath at the doctor's office while they try to find your baby's heartbeat to no avail. The medical term for a miscarriage is "spontaneous abortion", the key word being "spontaneous". What made our situation so unique is the fact that we were told we were going to lose our child. We knew we would miscarry weeks before we did, and there was nothing we could do but pray and sit around waiting for it to happen. 

I spoke with several mommies of angel babies in those weeks leading up to my miscarriage. I sought out any advice I could get from those who had gone through this painful journey before me. This was foreign territory, and I wanted to begin to prepare my heart and mind. There was one thing that each angel mommy told me. "Be prepared. You're going to grieve differently". They were talking about Parker and me. They always say a woman becomes a mother the day her baby is formed in her womb. A man becomes a father the day his baby is born. Obviously this is a generalization, but a lot of men, Parker included, will tell you this is true. Taylor Grace was in my body. I felt my body change and saw my belly grow. Parker was over the moon to be a dad, but the concept was still fairly abstract to him because he didn't get to hold her or see her or touch her. His body didn't change. He didn't feel something growing inside of him. I did. 

Parker and I spoke many times while Taylor Grace was still with us about how we expected to grieve and promised to be as patient and understanding with each other as possible, but nothing can prepare you for the day that grieving starts. No amount of planning or knowledge will ever prepare you to lose your child. Everyone who warned us that the grieving process would be different was absolutely right to do so. It has been different. He lost a child too, so I don't want to belittle anything he has gone through, but we will both openly admit that this has been harder on me. There have been moments of weakness where I have been so upset with him for not being more emotional. "Why wasn't he reacting like I did? Taylor was his daughter too!" These are the thoughts I let into my mind, and those thoughts are not fair to him. He loves Taylor just as much as I do, and he does grieve her loss, but he has also been a source of strength when it gets too hard for me and all I know to do is cry. He has been there for me through every tear to hold me and remind me that she's in a better place. He loves his daughter so much, but he also loves his wife, and seeing me go through this has probably been the hardest part for him. He has loved me through this, and it's my job to love him through it too, even if we choose to grieve differently. We just have to love each other through it. 

I have never been one to broadcast disagreements on the blog or talk about struggles in my marriage. I don't sugarcoat, but I also leave some things between my husband and me. Today, my intent with sharing this struggle is to hopefully let this be a resource for couples who have to go through the same thing. What everyone says is true. You're going to grieve differently, but that's okay. You are different people. You don't have to agree, but you do have to promise to love each other through this. Trials in this life can bring us together or tear us apart. Let it bring you together. 

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20 comments :

The Life You Love said...

The father's grievances and feelings aren't something that people often hear about or even consider, really, so it's interesting to hear about this. I am so glad that you and Parker have been to comfort and support each other, even through any differences. I can't imagine what either of you have been through, but I can tell that you have so much love for Taylor and each other.

Veronica said...

You're so strong. Thank you for sharing. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

Janelle Vannice said...

Wow, I had never really looked at it this way. Hang in there - it sounds like you're both there for each other! :)

Jen said...

It really is amazing how people grieve differently. You are so strong and I admire you.

Brianna said...

Praying for you and Parker, sweet girl! You are unbelievably strong and have come such a long way. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain you're dealing with, but you have an amazingly strong foundation in the Lord and a supporting, loving husband to get you through this. You have honored them both through this difficult time and you should be oh so proud of yourself!

Patty said...

You and Parker have been and continue to be in my prayers...

Carly Blogs Here said...

Thank you for sharing this Chelsea and being so honest with your feelings and all that you are going through right now. I am keeping you guys in my prayers <3

Amy said...

i'm so thankful you shared this.
just to remind everyone that grief is different for each person. <3 to both of you!

Ken Draughon said...

You continue to allow God to bring Himself glory through your struggle. We all continue to be so thankful for you and your authenticity on the journey! Love you both!
Kenyon Draughon

Jenny @ Creatively Blooming said...

I had a miscarriage before Evelyn, and saw the same thing with myself and Jarrod. My doctor suggested to let my miscarriage happen naturally rather than have a D&C. Little did we know that my miscarriage would last 3 months! Jarrod was very supportive, but I had a constant reminder every day for three months, so we definitely did grieve differently.

Laura {happily ever} Parker said...

I remember on Mother's Day last year I was upset that my husband said it really wasn't a day for me yet. However I was 6 months pregnant. It's so try that a woman becomes a mother the very second she finds out she is expecting. Wishing you strength - I know it can't be easy. Glad you have Parker to lean on and an angel watching over you. xo

Mrs. M ~ a.k.a. ~ April said...

Wow! This brings tears to my eyes and emotion to my throat because I remember when I miscarried last year. I also remember grieving differently then my husband and wondered why he didn't openly grieve like I did...I knew why but it was hard for me to process at the time. Thank you so much for sharing your story and your heart. I'm grateful that you have a husband that is able to communicate what he thinks. That helps so much. {{hugs}}

Ashley @ A Cute Angle said...

Wow, Chelsea. I didn't realize you were 5 months along. I'm really praying for you guys during the tough time. I think this post was really eye opening about dealing with the "aftermath" (hate to use that word) a miscarriage and how it differs from person to person. Be strong!

~Ashley @ A Cute Angle
acutelifestyle.blogspot.com

Angie@Chasingmyhalo said...

Thank you so much for sharing this Chelsea! I'm so sorry for your loss. We micarried last week and it is by far one of the hardest things I've had to deal with. We had battled infertility and one of the treatments had finally worked. It is soul crushing. My faith has been strong, but right now everything feels so dark and hopeless even if my head tells me otherwise. It helps to remember I'm not alone, even if we process differently. xo

Ashley Teale said...

Thanks for sharing this post with us Chelsea. Sending big hugs and prayers y’alls way. xx

Bailey Kay said...

Thank you so much for sharing your story! I didn't even think about how the loss is affecting both of you differently. Praying that you and Parker can grow closer through this situation!

Kayla said...

Your faith and strength is amazing. There are couples that don't survive this event for this reason. I can't imagine the emotion and grief you both feel and will continue to feel for the rest of your lives. I do know though that you are a great mom and I look forward to the day you become a mom again.

Flmgodog said...

You both will continue to grieve differently forever and always. I lost several pregnancies and have three living/breathing children today. Still YEARS out from those loses there are days where it is hard. Something will remind me of the baby lost at five and a half months or the early miscarriages I had. My husband is there to support me and worry about me as his wife but he doesn't understand what it feels like to carry a gift like that. You can explain and explain.
I commend you both for grieving the way that you both need to. It's hard, really hard. Thinking positive thoughts for you and Parker.

Rachel said...

Don't know if this is the wrong thing to post, but my church made this video about one couple's experience with the loss of their baby. Thought it might be encouraging to know that God's ways and plans are perfect and he is in control no matter what. Hope it isn't seen as insincere or rude.

Love your blog!! Read it all the time!

https://newspring.cc/stories/jamie-elizabeth-joshua-salmon

Ari Mack said...

You poor dear. I am so sorry for your loss, and I pray that your body and spirit heal. I know you are a person of faith. Just envision your little one waiting for you in heaven, praying for you throughout your life, and cheering you on as one of the "great cloud of witnesses" until you are reunited someday.

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