Well, I am a few hours out of surgery and at home recovering, so now seems like just as good of a time as any to write a blog post. Please excuse any grammatical errors. In all seriousness, today was the surgery I needed to have to get Taylor's body out of mine. Parker and I have been dreading it, but we know she has been in Heaven for 9 days now (10 when this post gets published), and this is just something that had to be done.
Today was sort of the final piece of the puzzle to complete before we can learn how to live life while Taylor Grace is in Heaven and begin to heal. I am thankful to be through it on the other side. I look down at my stomach and can see that I am officially not pregnant with her anymore. Yesterday, I had to pick up prescriptions, and the receptionist asked if I was pregnant as she went over the medication instructions. I opened my mouth to say "yes" and then closed it again. I had to say "no", and it was the first time I have said "no" to that question in 5 months.
Parker and I have both been fairly open about the fact that we feel like we went on this journey for a reason. I really believe God chose the two of us to bring glory to His name through Taylor's story, and we have tried to let Him speak through us as best we can. I've said that we have never, ever felt abandoned by Him throughout this journey. He has felt so present and so near. In the days leading up to learning she might have a chromosomal abnormality, I felt like God was preparing my heart for the journey.
Worship music just really makes my heart happy, and it was always playing on our way to those heartbreaking doctor's appointments. I received a phone call on a Monday that our daughter had elevated risks for Trisomy 18, 1:10 to be exact. We were scheduled for an ultrasound that Friday to look for the soft markers. It was probably the longest week of our lives, but I continued to play the song "That's What Faith Can Do" by Kutless on repeat. It gave me hope that everything would be okay, if I could just stay faithful. It's an older song, so it doesn't come on the radio as often. On our drive that Friday to our appointment, it was one of the first songs that played. Right after it, "Overcomer" by Mandisa played. At that moment, I knew God was telling me that something was in fact wrong, but He was going to hold my hand every step of the way.
One of the first things I do in the morning is read my Bible verse of the day on my phone. That Friday, the day we found out our baby had every soft marker in the book for a chromosomal abnormality, the verse that came up was Jeremiah 29:11.
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope."- Jeremiah 29:11
This has been my favorite verse since I was a little girl. My sister read it at our wedding. It's displayed in multiple places throughout my home. Again, I knew God was telling me Taylor Grace's life would be very different from the one I had hoped for, but His plans for us and for her were perfectly drawn out according to His will.
The days are not easy. I wish more than anything that I was still carrying our baby girl. I wish God would have chosen to use us in a different way, but His plans are perfect and far beyond what we can imagine. I don't regret anything. I am so thankful God handpicked us to be her parents. I am so thankful that I got to carry her for 18.5 weeks. I am so thankful for the promise that I will meet her some day.
God may have chosen me for a journey that I never thought I would go on, but He also prepared me and has guided me through every single step. I am so thankful to have a Father that loves His children so much. In this world we will have trouble, but take heart, He has overcome the world.
|My last bumpdate shot with sweet baby girl. Two days shy of 19 weeks, God brought her home. So thankful that we documented and have these to look back on!|