One year ago today, you went to Heaven. How has it already been a whole year? It really feels like just yesterday that I was pregnant with you, happily planning for and dreaming of your arrival. Life looks so different from how we thought it would.
They said losing you would get easier over time. I can honestly say they were wrong. It hasn't gotten any easier, but I've learned how to deal with it. Losing you broke my heart, and it never really came all the way back together. I think a part of me will hurt for the rest of my life knowing that I don't get to have you here.
They say healing comes in stages, and that I agree with. Accepting what happened and accepting that this was nobody's fault was the first step, and I think I did both of those pretty quickly. There is another element of healing that probably won't come until we have a baby here on this earth, so we will see when the time is right for that. There is also this final, intangible piece of healing that I don't think is possible until I meet you in Heaven.
Don't get me wrong, as painful as losing you was, the joy was so much greater. I hope that in sharing your story, others can also find the joy if they go through an unthinkable situation like this one. There was joy when you were here, and there is joy in knowing you are Home with Jesus. You, little daughter, are my greatest joy.
I know I never got to meet you, but the love I feel for you is unlike anything I've ever felt for another person. I can't tell you how blessed I am to be your mom. I still thank God for choosing your dad and me to be yours. I'd go through all of this again just to get to be your mom.
I'm also so proud of you. You were so sick while you were here, but you held on so long, long enough for us to love you, name you, and share your story. I've talked to the doctors, and it's almost unheard of for a baby with your condition to have made it so far. You fought to live and beat the odds.
Our time on Earth is so short and fleeting compared to the eternity we all get to spend in Heaven, so we can all wait a little longer. When I get to Heaven, you'll be the first one I want to see, and I'm never letting go. Your dad and I love you so much, Taylor Grace. Happy 1st birthday!